


When Shall I Forget?

by Talvenhenki



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: (from the cardinal's blades), Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, It's a cool trilogy read it pls it isn't appreciated enough, Suicidal Thoughts, guest appearance by Antoine Leprat, reference to suicide attempt in chapter two, they're discussing it in somewhat detailed way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-28 09:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19809352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: It's the first snow after Savoy. They were never going to fight but things never work like they are anticipated to.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Long time no musketeers! I wrote this whole thing on my phone and, as usual, got the idea from Miuku (a.k.a erdariel on tumblr) I hope the format will be ok because I'm too tired to fix it all manually lol. The portamis in this is kinda background so you might have to look for it a bit.
> 
> Warning: There will be discussions of suicidal thoughts in both chapters and discussion of suicide in chapter 2!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed planning it!

He had been jumpy and skittish the whole summer and autumn after Savoy. He had found two new friends, Porthos and Athos, but he didn't allow them too close - or at least he tried to keep his distance. It wasn't easy to keep Porthos at bay when he was determined to help and care for someone, someone wounded and damaged like Aramis. Aramis hated the forceful caring as he was  _ fine, Porthos, stop bothering me like this. _ Athos, on the other hand, allowed himself to be pushed away more easily and sometimes it looked like he didn't care about his friends.

(Of course he cared. He was just very afraid of losing loved ones again.)

Everyone, Porthos most of all, knew that Aramis couldn't go on like that forever. He knew that people who didn't break down at least a little after a traumatic event had more chance to hurt themselves because they didn't process the traumatic event. He knew that Aramis was already hurting himself by putting himself in harm's way.

Porthos didn't want that to continue but he had no idea how to stop Aramis. The only choice he had was to make sure Aramis couldn't be the first one putting himself in danger.

It was when winter was beginning and the first snow had fallen that Porthos and Aramis were sent on a mission with Athos. It was a simple scouting mission in the snowy woods near Paris where someone had seen bandits. They weren't supposed to fight, only find out where the bandits were camped.

Aramis was shivering as he sat on his horse, wrapped in his huge cape to warm himself a little bit more. It was windy and everyone was chilled to the bone but Aramis seemed to be affected the worst. It was the first winter after the massacre and no one knew how Aramis would react to the cold. A few people knew he had started hating it and some feared his reaction to the snow.

The sun was already setting when Porthos saw the bandit camp. It was downhill from the road and had there been any leaves on the bushes, it would have been completely hidden. The trio was about to turn back to report when they noticed movement; some of the bandits had been waiting to ambush unsuspecting bypassers.

A fight ensued. The bandits had more men but they were less skilled. Athos bested many easily with his swordsmanship while Porthos used his strength. Aramis fought as well, tight-lipped and with a deep frown. His movement was mechanic and it looked like to Athos and Porthos that he wasn't fully paying attention to all of his surroundings. The two tried to keep a close eye on Aramis, unsure if he would make it out of the woods alive otherwise.

That was their mistake.

As Athos was minding Aramis more than himself, he didn't notice the bandit that was sneaking up on him. The man slashed with his rapier once, cutting deep into Athos’ side. Athos let out a surprised yelp which made Aramis turn around right in time to see Athos fall and the snow turn deep red with his blood.

“Athos!” Aramis yelled, and ran to his friend, ready to fight the man who had hurt Athos. Aramis thrust his sword once, killing the man cleanly, before he knelt down to take a better look at Athos’ wound. As he pressed a bandage on Athos’ side, he looked up and one snowy forest had become another, the dead men no longer bandits but musketeers on a training exercise at the border…

Savoy had returned to Aramis. His hands shook and he tried to breathe in only to realise that the air felt foreign to his lungs. He could only distantly feel Porthos’ hands pressing on the bandage over Athos’ wound.

“Aramis, it's over now; we won, Aramis”, Porthos said. He wasn't sure how much Aramis could hear or understand, as his eyes were clouded and he was swaying a little. Their main objective was to get Athos safe to the garrison to get his wound looked at and to make sure none of them suffered any permanent damage from the chill.

In the end, Porthos wasn't quite sure how he got back to the garrison. He was riding one horse with Athos in front of him while Aramis was riding another and leading Athos’ horse and somehow, even though Aramis didn't seem to be paying much attention to where he was going, he didn't get lost. His breathing was erratic and most of the colour that had once been on his face had disappeared.

As they finally reached the garrison and Porthos could hand Athos over to someone who actually knew what to do about the wound, Aramis managed to slip away. Hoping that Aramis would stay at the garrison, Porthos followed the people who were taking care of Athos. He wanted to make sure Athos would be alright before looking for Aramis, so that he could promise Aramis that Athos wouldn't be dead when Aramis came to see him.

“Go find Aramis”, Athos said almost immediately as Porthos arrived at the infirmary. “He needs you. My wound isn't bad; just go and find Aramis.”

“I need to know for sure that you'll live before I go”, Porthos said quietly. “I can't lead Aramis to another dead body.”

“He won't die”, said the medic who was sewing Athos’ wound, “he is too willing to fight you to die before that.”

For some reason, the absurdity of what the medic said made Porthos laugh. It was stupid; death was never something to joke about and yet, for some reason Porthos was laughing almost hysterically in the infirmary. One of the medics guided him to sit down on a chair to calm down before Athos spoke again.

“Go and find Aramis”, he said. “I want to see him so I can know he's alright.”

Porthos nodded and left the infirmary. In the courtyard he sighed; the snowfall had gotten heavier. If Aramis was still at the garrison, he would be inside but where? He probably wouldn't be in the room he shared with Porthos, no, it would be too cold and too easy a place to find Aramis in. The common room would be too noisy… the kitchen maybe? It was always warm and Serge had a soft spot for Aramis.

As Porthos entered the kitchen, he noticed that Serge was bent over some shape at the corner near the stove. When Porthos entered, Serge turned around, looking worried, and revealing Aramis who was curled in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.

“Good thing you came when you did”, Serge said and shook his head. “‘e's been rocking back and forth e’er since he came in ‘ere and ‘e's been repeatin’ ‘cold, cold, cold’ and ‘Savoy’ and ‘e's said nothin’ else. It's unsettling.”

Porthos knelt in front of Aramis and placed his hands over Aramis’ wrists. Aramis’ hands were tugging on his hair as he rocked his whole body and his gaze was full of terror. His breathing was shallow and he was still wearing his cape, as if he was freezing in the warm kitchen.

“Aramis", Porthos said softly, “listen to me. We're at the garrison and Athos is just now getting patched up. The medic said that Athos’ willpower to fight me alone will keep him alive enough for him to recover.”

Aramis didn't answer. It seemed to Porthos that he was trembling less, though, so that was a little victory.

“We should go to the common room; there is a fire going”, Porthos continued and wrapped his fingers around Aramis’ thin wrists. “I can get you a seat right in front of the fire and then I can go see how Athos is doing, maybe he'll feel good enough to come up to the common room with us.”

There was one jerky nod and that was all Porthos needed. He slowly pulled Aramis up and placed his arm around Aramis's lower back to steady him as they walked. Porthos nodded to Serge to show him how thankful he was as they walked past the old cook. They slowly made their way upstairs, past drunk and laughing musketeers, of which only few noticed Aramis’ distress.

As they reached the common room, Leprat - Aramis’ good friend from before the massacre - looked up to see what was going on, and met Aramis’ empty eyes. He wordlessly got up and helped Aramis on one of the chairs near the fireplace while Porthos finally managed to strip Aramis of his cloak. Aramis suddenly seized the cloak and squeezed it in his hands.

“What happened?” Leprat asked. He placed one hand over Aramis’ and looked into Porthos’ eyes. “Why is Aramis like this?”

“There was a fight”, Porthos said, “in the woods. It had snowed and Athos got hurt. Aramis hasn't really spoken after that.”

“Oh god”, Leprat breathed and turned to look at Aramis. “Aramis. Aramis, it's me, Antoine. Can you hear me?”

Porthos decided that Aramis was in good hands with Leprat, and went on to return to the infirmary to see Athos. Athos was, almost surprisingly, standing on his feet and glaring at the medic who, no doubt, had told him to rest.

“I'll have plenty of time to rest when I know Aramis will be alright”, Athos growled. Porthos found the tone somehow amusing; it was like it didn't really fit someone as short as Athos. “Porthos. Did you find Aramis?”

“I did”, Porthos said, “I took him to the common room. He's with Leprat.”

Athos nodded and walked outside, ignoring the yelling medic. Porthos followed him and together they went back to the common room where the commotion had died down. Leprat was sitting next to Aramis who was still unresponsive and tears streamed down Aramis’ cheeks. Leprat was trying to wipe the tears without much success as Athos and Porthos walked inside.

“I've never seen him like this”, Leprat muttered and frowned. “Of course, I wasn't there much after Savoy but he never got this bad, did he?”

“No”, Porthos agreed. He knelt next to Aramis who was still tugging at his cloak like a lifeline. The sight broke Porthos’ heart a little; Aramis had been so strong before the horrors of Savoy.

“What is going on?” asked a loud voice from the doorway. Porthos turned around to meet captain Treville's eyes and his stomach lurched. He'd completely forgotten to report to their captain after the mission. With Athos wounded and Aramis panicking, Treville had been the last thing on Porthos’ mind. He met the captain’s eyes with an apologetic look.

“It's Aramis, captain”, Leprat said. “Athos was wounded in the woods and Aramis is reacting badly. There was no time to report to you.”

Treville nodded and walked over to Aramis who was still staring into the fire. There were still tear tracks on his cheeks and his knuckles were almost white with the force with which he was holding his cloak. Treville knelt down and looked into Aramis’ face, looking for something but could only find fear and pain in his eyes.

“You can report to me in detail tomorrow”, Treville said and stood up, avoiding Aramis' eyes. “Take care of Aramis. He needs you more than I need the report right now.”

Later, both Porthos and Athos would wonder why Treville left so quickly and why his face had screamed of regret and self-loathing. However, that night, as they were helping Aramis stand up and walk to the room he shared with Porthos, the captain's odd behaviour was instantly forgotten. Aramis was their priority and with Leprat's help, they managed to get Aramis to the safety of the bedroom.

“I'll leave him to you”, Leprat said at the door, “since you two mean a lot to him. He doesn't have the words for it right now but deep down he already knows that.”

Aramis was still clutching his cloak as Porthos sat him down at the foot of his bed while he and Athos pushed the other bed against it so they all could sleep on the two joined beds. Porthos and Athos shed their doublets but Aramis made no attempt to let go of his cloak and unbutton his doublet. When Porthos moved closer to Aramis to help him dress down for bed, Aramis flinched violently. His eyes darted wildly from Porthos to Athos and then back.

“It's alright, buddy”, Porthos said as he opened Aramis’ belt and haphazardly threw it over the bed onto the floor before moving to Aramis’ doublet and boots. “Athos and I will be with you the whole night and we'll make sure nothing happens to you. You'll be safe with us.”

Behind Porthos, Athos nodded and touched his wounded side, as if to check it for blood. Porthos laid down on the bed and pulled Aramis down next to him while Athos got on the bed as well. Porthos was against the wall while Athos lay on the outer side. Aramis was safely tucked in the middle, covered with an extra blanket so that he wouldn't get cold. Athos could only hope that Aramis could sleep even a little after all that had happened that day.

Sometime during the night, Athos noticed that Aramis was moving. At first he thought it was a nightmare, a memory of the horrors experienced, but then Athos realised that Aramis was trying to get up. Athos latched himself onto Aramis, knowing that if he let go, Aramis would do something stupid. He had known Aramis long enough to get to know his self-destructive streak as well.

“Athos”, Aramis said, stretching his arm over Athos, “let me go, Athos. I'm no use to the regiment, no use to you. I don't want to burden you any longer. You need to let me go.”

_ No, _ Athos thought,  _ there's no way I'll let you go. There's no way I'll lose another little brother. _

“Athos, I need you to let go”, Aramis whispered, his voice breaking. “There is no reason for me to live anymore. I'm just a burden, a dead weight for the regiment. Just let me go, Athos, please let me go.”

Athos shook his head and held on tighter. He couldn't let go, he couldn't do that to himself or Porthos. He couldn't let Aramis die because of the dead men and snowy woods that still haunted him. Aramis fought, tried to get Athos to let go, all while desperately stretching his arm towards the weapons he could use to hurt himself with. Distantly Athos could feel pain on his side and the unmistakable sticky feeling of blood which he ignored in order to keep Aramis safe.

After long moments of fighting, Aramis finally gave up. He let his hand fall down on Athos’ side - the wounded side - and suddenly leapt up with a yell.

“You're bleeding!” Aramis hissed. In a moment Porthos was up and checking the wound while Aramis’ breathing sped up again.

“Can't this wait until morning?” Athos muttered sleepily as Porthos swiftly bandaged his side. Deep down Athos knew that it couldn't wait since Aramis was working himself into another panic attack and the wound was throbbing and bleeding just a little too much.

Porthos managed to stop the bleeding swiftly and the new bandage was soon covering Athos’ wound. Aramis was marginally calmer as Porthos pulled him down on the bed, and he curled up against Porthos’ chest as Porthos kissed his hair. Athos presses himself against Aramis’ back so that he could feel Aramis’ movements and remind Aramis that he was not alone.

In the morning Aramis would break down and cry on Porthos’ shoulder. In the morning he would finally let go of the fear and pain Savoy had caused him, but on that night two of his closest friends guarded his sleep.

On that night Aramis felt safe for the first time in months.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did make a second part. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning: There is some discussion of an attempted suicide in this chapter so if it makes you uncomfortable, proceed with caution please

Athos woke up sluggishly, slowly taking in his surroundings. He lay on his back on a bed next to Porthos. In the middle of the room, Aramis was standing and looking down at his weapons. His expression was heartbroken, Athos had no other word for it. As Athos tried to turn onto his side - the wounded one - he suddenly realised how painfully it was throbbing.

“Aramis”, Athos called softly, just to get his attention. Aramis looked up to Athos and the heartbroken look in his eyes softened a little.

“I was ready to do it last night”, Aramis whispered, “I was ready to take my dagger and cut open the biggest veins to bleed myself to death. But now I look at my dagger and find my resolve crumbling. I find myself afraid, Athos.”

“Come here”, Porthos mumbled from behind Athos. They hadn't realised Porthos had been awake as well. The bed dipped as Porthos sat up and held his arms open to hug Aramis. Aramis accepted the hug - for the first time in months - and leaned his whole weight against Porthos.

“I'm happy to know you don't have the resolve after all”, Porthos said quietly and stroked Aramis’ thick curls. “If Athos hadn't managed to stop you last night, I would have lost one of my most important friends. I want to help you to fight the fear and the ghosts Savoy left you with. I want to see you smile like you did before Savoy.”

Aramis sobbed. Porthos looked surprised as Aramis clung to him, tears streaming down his face. Porthos pressed Aramis a little closer to himself and kissed his temple. Aramis looked so small and vulnerable as he cried on Porthos’ shoulder that Athos’ heart clenched painfully. He wanted to reach out and comfort Aramis but his wounded side was so painful that he simply couldn't.

“Hey. It's alright now, Aramis”, Porthos whispered. “We're all safe and we'll keep you safe in the future too. Now, I’ve got to go report to the captain but Athos'll stay here with you. Just lie down and rest while I'm away. Then I'll get some food for us.”

Aramis nodded and allowed Porthos to lower him down on the bed. He curled up next to Athos who grabbed his hand immediately to comfort him. Porthos smiled at the two as he left the room, leaving Athos and Aramis alone in the silence.

“I'm happy I managed to stop you”, Athos said suddenly. “You may not feel like it's true right now, but you're very important to me and Porthos.”

Aramis looked at Athos with those big brown eyes of his. After Savoy, his gaze had been empty and haunted but when Athos looked into his eyes, there was so much emotion in his eyes that Athos could feel a little proud. Those deep eyes looked alive again.

“Are you in pain?” Aramis asked softly. His voice sounded a little rough and the puffiness of his eyes along with his rough voice made him a sorry sight.

“A little”, Athos admitted, “but I'd rather take the pain in my wound than the pain of having lost you. Please never try to hurt yourself like that again. I couldn't bear to lose you.”

Aramis lowered his gaze and began trembling. Athos sighed and scooped Aramis closer so that he could hug Aramis and comfort him. Aramis ended up leaning his head against Athos’ chest while Athos held his right wrist, massaging some warmth on it.

“I'm sorry”, Aramis whispered. He repeated it as a mantra, as if the apologies could make Athos’ pain go away. Athos held him a little bit closer to keep him grounded, to not lose him to his thoughts again.

The door opened suddenly, but instead of Porthos, it revealed Serge and Leprat who was grinning widely. Athos arched his brow; he had expected to see only Porthos coming in.

“I bribed Serge to get you two some food”, Leprat said and sat down on the bed. He pulled out some bread from the basket he was carrying and gave some to Aramis. “How are you feeling?”

“Apart from the pain on my side, I feel rather good”, Athos said. Meanwhile, Aramis had sat up and began to eat his bread, avoiding Leprat's eyes.

“Aramis?” Serge asked quietly. “How are you feeling, son?”

“I'm good”, Aramis said softly, avoiding everyone's eyes. Leprat shook his head but let it pass, knowing he couldn't get a better answer from Aramis.

Later, when Serge and Leprat had left (leaving the food in the room), Aramis lay back down, looking simply spent. Athos pulled one of the quilts to cover Aramis who looked a little cold. Only moments after Aramis had fallen asleep, Porthos came in and sat down on the bed.

“Treville gave us the day off”, Porthos said and rubbed his eyes for a moment. “I wish I could just sleep and wake up tomorrow and have it so that Savoy never happened. I'm spent. I can just imagine how tired you and Aramis are.”

“He just fell asleep”, Athos muttered. Porthos smiled tightly and brushed some of Aramis’ hair off his sleeping face.

“Thank you”, Porthos breathed suddenly, “thank you for keeping him safe, Athos. Thank you for not letting him die. I couldn't have taken it if he'd died...I - I love him. He is too important to me to let him die.”

Athos sensed many secrets behind Porthos’ words but didn't ask about them. They could wait for another time, for when Aramis was better and they had had their rest.

That morning, Athos finally realised how much his newly-acquired brothers meant to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments warm my soul and if you're lucky, I might write a second part to this


End file.
